I rarely miss work because I can't. There is no backup, no contingency plan if I am sick. I hurt so bad everyday, it takes all of the energy I have just shower in time to go to work. :(
I'm afraid I'm going lose my job if I can't find some way to cope with my pain, and without insurance... I'm not sure how I'd survive. I probably won't, to be honest.
I am afraid I'll hurt my body by taking so many pills in one day. I'm afraid because the pain is so bad, they don't work very well anymore. I will only get worse as I go through life. I'm afraid that I will overdose and will die all alone.
I rely on pain meds so that I can keep working. If I weren't working, I wouldn't need these medications NEARLY as much.
I try to cut back weekends, since my stress and pain are generally lessened, but it has obliterated my social life. My problem isn't the medication, but rather lack of successful pain control methods.
I'm losing weight rapidly - down 20 lbs in three months - and I feel terrible, yet people tell me how "wonderful" I look. Seriously? I'm 5'5" tall and a size 6 to 8. That's not hot. That's unhealthy as hell. Our culture is seriously a mess that people think I look better when I'm in terrible pain, throwing up my meals, and barely functioning - versus weighing a bit more and being healthy.
Anyhow, what do I tell my doctor?
What do I tell the company I work for?
My boss has now written me up for being 2-5 minutes late on two different days last week - boss wants us a minimum of 15 minutes early which means I work no less than a 10.25 hour day (10 hour shift) and get no overtime or comp time, while it can take 3-5 minutes to access our parking garage alone, longer if someone's badge doesn't work! I've had to scan multiple people ahead of me into the garage because theirs doesn't work. The two times I have been written up, I have been in the garage at least five minutes prior to actually being scheduled. All the while, overtime is to be "expected" by salary employees. No regard to my life or health - just EXPECTED.
Today my key didn't work for the floor I work on, and then got stuck in the stairwell when trying to take the stairs. I'm sure I'll get yelled at for not anticipating and arriving 15 minutes early. I'm a salaried employee, I have a shift, and I'm treated like an hourly call center employee who is unable to comprehend the requirements of "work".
Our last conversation about my health:
I say (6:35 PM):
I'm barely keeping my head above water, it feels. I will do my best to keep that outside of work though, I feel really bad that my health has affected my performance this far. I always tend to pride myself on the ability to cope, even when I'm sick or otherwise...
Boss says-
you have had ample time to work through health issues. 'Our company' has been very supportive of your needs. There is no execuse for consistent tardiness. And, there has been incinsistent commucantion with me re: your tardy patterns. You have a choice. You will choose to demonstrate the behviors required of our employees, or not. I hope you choose to demonstrate the capabilities....
(In my head): Uh....... huh. Let me make sure I save this conversation.
On top of everything else I've mentioned, I also work 6pm-4am local time, which deprives me of sleep and sanity on almost an hourly basis. I'm chronically sick and I'm completely stuck.
What do you do when your best just isn't good enough?
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