Dear Doctor...

Dear Doctors,

First I have to say, not all doctors are included in my anger. Primarily Group Health doctors; particularly Urgent Care doctors [not nurses!]. There have been two separate nurses that actually treated me like I was human, and I find that to be the common theme. The nurses will actually LISTEN to me, while you "doctors" simply read chart notes and make assumptions about my character from there. I know the look on your face, before you open your "educated" mouth, and it sends me on the warpath.

I love proving you wrong. I love being stronger than you think I am. I love that you look at my prescription list and assume I'm a narcotic 'addict' when I'm prescribed ONE narcotic for breakthrough pain... narcotics (morphine, fentanyl, percocet, vicodin) are considered failed attempts at treatment for me. I do not get high from narcotics. I do not have a normal body. If the narcotics addressed my pain, we wouldn't be in this situation.

Then, I come down with -probably the worst- flu I've ever had. I was unable to keep anything in my stomach for SIX days. I know you're aware of how bad the flu affects a normal patient.

Do you understand that I'm not a normal patient? You sent me home -still throwing up- THREE TIMES IN ONE WEEK! Admit me to the hospital if I'm having to come back everyday just to get [2-3 liters of] fluids, you morons. I guess all of that education didn't really pay off - you're just playing by the rules of your HMO at this point. It's not about my health, it's about how much money I'm costing the hospital. Well, TREAT ME AND GET ME HEALTHY AGAIN, and I won't waste your time.

Secondly. Stop looking at me like I'm imagining my pain. If I could imagine my pain, then I could theoretically imagine it away, and trust me, it doesn't work that way.

I was sent home just as sick as I had arrived - every time I went to Group Health. I was told that I was withdrawing from narcotics and that's why I was sick. Guess what? YOU WERE DEAD WRONG. I saw 12 doctors in 3 days, and was treated like a junkie by every single one of you, and you're SUPPOSED to be here to help!

To have to fight for fair treatment in hospitals at 27 years old... I never thought my life would be like this. We all have dreams and aspirations, but I feel like mine have been erased or put on hold due to this illness. I realize I have to live with this for either the rest of my life, or until they find a cure. You doctors are supposed to be compassionate and caring, helpful but not prying. I've never experienced that with a doctor. I'm used to them hearing fibromyalgia and laughing at me.

Just because you don't "believe" in a condition - that doesn't make it any less valid. I realize that this is the problem with the American healthcare system. Even though you have insurance, doctors still reserve the right to berate and belittle any patient at any time. Human rights seem to go out the window when you're ill, and I find that to be a little... backward. All I want is to be treated with dignity and respect, and all I get is questioned and told "you need to stop taking the only medication you've ever found that will help you". Yes, dilaudid is a narcotic. I take 0-16 mg per day, depending on pain. I refrain at work because it can cloud my judgment, and I try to remain clear-headed - at least while working.

I'm sick of it. Not just because I'm tired of being ill; but because I'm tired of being treated like a hypochondriac by the medical professionals that I approach for help. My own parents didn't understand my disease until Friday night, when we got in a fight about it. I had to yell about it and reference the internet twice before they "believed" the amount of pain I was fighting through. When you have to fight your own family, it feels like any safety net or acceptance goes right out the window. It's more painful than I even realized.

I'm miserable. I'm stuck in a body I can't use properly, and I'm at the mercy of my pain - EVERY day I wake up. Eventually, just waking up is exhausting, and I just want it all to go away. I'd be a great candidate for alien abduction - maybe they can fix what's wrong with me - since you seem to fail at every turn.

I only have so much patience left. It's worn thin from everyday activities and everything I've been through, but I have a tiny bit left. I reserve it for my friends, family, coworkers, and bosses. I keep none for myself. If people took the time to really understand me, and my condition, maybe the landscape wouldn't seem so hopeless.

So, doctors, get your shit together. I'm not going to be a pleasant patient anymore. I'm going to be a bitch, and you're going to deal with it. I've dealt with your criticism, doubt, and I'm finished understanding. This is a whole new level of stress and pain I'm experiencing, and it has broken me down so, so badly... I'm a fraction of who I used to be. If my doctors refuse to help, then I'll have no choice but to start some lawsuits that I know the hospital would like to avoid.

I'm not asking for miracles, just a little understanding and hope... because right now, it seems so dark.

Respectfully,
Bitch on wheels (your patient)