[silent scream]

I can't spell a scream.

But I wish I could.

I feel like screaming until I lose my voice.

I'm so tired of being unheard and being treated like I'm crazy.

You can only go so long being treated like a mental patient... before you believe you actually are a mental patient.

I swear, I wake up in a psychological haze that I can't shake for the life of me. I know there's something happening, or someone talking to me, but I won't remember that later. I'll just remember being woken up by a group of Sand People singing the macarena. (Which was just my deluded perception of Korby waking me up... to ask something about a grocery shop... heyyyyy macarena).

No wonder I feel crazy. I feel things that aren't there, I see things move when they're not, and I have feelings that seemingly pop out of nowhere. Like this one. Did you know I have absolutely no hope for a better life?

Me either. I didn't know I had that one inside me until it came out in plain conversation. I was able to say that I hope for the end of all of this... without a single emotion passing through my head. I find that a little bit disturbing. Shouldn't I at least care if I survive this?

This is a really, really scary adjustment period to these new medications. I know they're the reason I'm all messed up, but then I start to think what I'd be like without them... and then wonder if I'm messed up because of the meds, or taking the meds because I'm messed up. The cycle bleeds together at some point, and I can no longer distinguish between what is me and what is medication.

I do things that are... completely out of character. I'm emotionally unstable, and can't seem to find the happy medium anymore. I'm frustrated, medicated, and feeling like there aren't a lot of options left.

It's really, really dark in here, and pretty lonely sometimes. I try not to drag normal people into my shadows, but sometimes caring people get sucked into helping me, and I can't stop them. I guess I'm the type A personality that won't let anyone care, so they have to be even stronger type A personality in order to care about me. It takes one to know one, I suppose...

I hope that this helps someone. I know when I read about others' personal struggles, it helps me identify my own, even when I'm not sure what I'm feeling. So, I'm putting my misery to use by writing about it.

What good is misery if I can't exploit it occasionally?

I hope the world at large is in a better state than my mind, but I sincerely doubt it.

[I need to include my thanks to Dan, for giving me good news. A boy like that... damn. I had a permanent smile. You have no idea. I so love you.]